Sometimes the tears come out of nowhere. Hot, fast, slow – or some random combination of those. I try to choke them back, because if someone asks me why I’m crying I’ll have to tell them that I’m sad because you died. I’m sad because even though we didn’t talk with any regular pattern – I love you. I refuse to write loved because I’m always going to love you, present tense. I’m sad because I wanted you to be so happy. I’m sad for everyone who loves you that you’re not here to see. I’m so, so fucking sad.
I went to lunch the other day and the moment I sat down a song that played at your funeral started to play and….I cried. I carry tissues all the time because tears are sneaky, you know? Later, I thought maybe that was a way you were saying hi. I hope so. Hi.
The sadness, Kendrick. It comes in fits and starts and I’m really trying very hard to not let the sadness get the best of me. To tell myself that no matter what I feel or what or I do – it’s not going to change anything. And all of this love that I feel? I could not ask for my life to be filled with better people. They’re trying so hard to remind me that it’s going to be okay – and I want it to be. Except you’re gone and I am so sad.Tomorrow, I hope I’ll be less sad. Maybe? Hopefully? I don’t even know.